“Take My Heart” is what I entitled a series of ‘grief writings’ I penned, after our baby boy passed away at three months old. (On December 21, 2014). The reason for this title, is because the Sunday following our child’s funeral, our Pastor gave a sermon by the same title—in which he let us know the sermon was inspired by our son’s passing. Needless to say, I was deeply moved by this gesture. Plus, the title spoke accuracy… For the Lord took our child home, and His reasons we will only one day know. Below reveals an immensely painful glimpse into the darkest time in my family’s lives, where our hearts were changed forever.
I posted these writings on Facebook, in the weeks following his passing. He died on a Sunday. After five or six months into our time of grieving, I stopped my pattern of sharing publicly and weekly our emotional experiences, and lived out the remainder of our first year of grief without writing about it.
It is also worth noting here, our oldest daughter had a traumatic brain event the November before our baby’s passing, which required she undergo brain surgery the following January. That three month time span we lived through, was as trying and testing, as it was humbling and faith-strengthening.
A lot of this I don’t remember writing, due to the initial shock phase of it all. There were many pictures posted as well, and I plan to fill them in here, in due time.
This is where it began…
12-21-14
The Lord took Briar Luke home this morning. He is in the arms of Jesus. I am numb, but my belief in Jesus Christ is my portion, my strength and HE alone will carry my family through.
12-22-14
I know so many of you want to know what happened to our baby boy who passed away yesterday morning. He suffocated in bed. Jeff saw him on his back about 4:40am, when I rolled over to nurse and cuddle with him around 5:10am, I saw him face down on his tummy. This happened very quickly. Only God knows how this happened. But I feel the power of Jesus mightily at work in our family, and especially through the outpouring of prayers and love already being given to us. Here is one of the last pictures taken of Briar Luke Farris–born September 16th, who passed into eternity with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on December 21.
12-22-14
Briar’s funeral service will be at 2pm, December 26th, in the chapel.
12-22-14
Why am I looking at infant coffins at a funeral home, and gravesite plots at a cemetery. And tying to decide what to bury Briar in. We decided naked, swaddled in his monkey blanket. Simply upon seeing his little socks come out of the dryer, brings breakdowns. All of this is truly a parents worst nightmare! I should be home wrapping presents, baking cookies for Christmas, with all my precious children helping me make a mess of my kitchen, and Briar in his little swing watching us, looking up at his Mom with his newly discovered wide-mouth smile! The Lord knows I am weak! I have no strength apart from Him. It’s everything in me right now, just to take my next breath.
It was a blessed morning… Jeff and I spent some time at church, having sweet fellowship while receiving some comfort with Pastor Tom and a few other sweet folks. The Lord is gracious to give us the people we need in times like this. That’s something special Christians have—the common bond through our belief in Jesus, and His promises that we can live forever if we trust in Him. Believers coming together to embrace and weep and rejoice that Briar was called home ahead of the rest of us, and is forever dwelling in a place of unimaginable perfection, with God Himself before his eyes. The thought of Heaven leaves a sweeter taste in my mouth more than ever, knowing my baby boy is there. The Lord is holding me up while I can’t stand on my own, drawing me close in His everlasting arms.
Thank you for grieving with me dear friends!
12-23-14
(Two of the songs we had played at his funeral were instrumental in my grieving process.)
Grieving……….
There are no words in times like these
When tears don’t hide the tragedies
And all you want is a reason for the worldNo comfort in the greeting card
‘Cause God is good
But life’s still hard
And your heart just wants a reason for the worldBut maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for home, home, home, For God so loved your broken heart
He sent his son to where you are
And he died
To give a reason for the worldSo lift your sorrows to the one
Whose plan for you has just begun
And rests here in the hands that hold the world’Cause maybe the reason for the pain
Is so we would pray for strength
And maybe the reason for the strength
Is so that we would not lose hope
And maybe the reason for all hope
Is so that we could face the world
And the reason for the world
Is to make us long for homeWell I know your past the point of broken
Surrounded by your fear
I know you’re faint and tired and lonely
From the road that you walked down here
But just keep your eyes on heaven
And know that you are not alone
Remember the reason for the worldNo ear has heard
No eye has seen
Not even in your wildest dreams
The beauty that awaits beyond this world
When you look into the eyes of grace
And hear the voice of mercy say
Child, welcome to the reason for the world
“Reason For The World” by Matthew West
***
Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good
To have the weight of this world
Off Your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m nally there with You
Save a place for me, save a place for me
I’ll be there soon, I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon, I’ll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had You here
So You just save a place for me, save a place for me I’ll be there soon, I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon, I’ll be there
I wanna live my life just like You did
And make the most of my time just like You did And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like You did, oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
Just save a place for me, save a place for me
‘Cause I will be there soon
Save a place for me, save a place for me
I’ll be there soon, I’ll be there soon
Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad
“Save a place for me” by Matthew West
12-23-14
Walking out the door just now, we were greeted by a darling woman from church, delivering a BEAUTIFUL hand-made “prayer shawl” from the prayer shawl ministry. It’s purpose is to be a tangible reminder that God’s loving arms are wrapped around us. As it was being created, WE were being prayed for. I am moved beyond words!
12-24-14
It’s a Chris Tomlin “Glory in the Highest” kinda day! The tidal wave rolled in this morning, and just as my Pastor told me to wait there and just breathe until it rolls out, I did. I put on this album and my heart is soaring! Worshiping my Savior, knowing my boy is celebrating right there with him…. I found my wings today!
12-25-14
Even though we are one child shy this Christmas, Jesus is still the foundation of our home. Briar’s memory, and a strong sense of his presence is still here, and Jesus’ spirit is always here. Tears and laughter, pain and peace abound within these walls. To God be all the glory for our family, our home!
12-26-14
Well, I made it through Christmas. It was the most different Christmas I ever experienced. I kept music on all day, playing our iPod Christmas playlist, but just couldn’t take any songs about Santa or Rudolph, or the likes. That stuff is mundane and empty. I only wanted to hear songs of the birth of our Savior, now that Briar is with Him. It’s amazing how losing someone who means the world to you, will catapult all the far and dusty corners of your brain into the eternal, and Heavenly-minded mode. I long for Heaven more than ever! I find myself often praying, come Lord Jesus, come. We should all realize our lives our just a breath in the scope of eternity. The Lord gives and the Lord taketh away. The bible promises to ANY who will come to Jesus, a secure place in Heaven for all eternity. I know in my heart, Briar’s earthly death will be used to teach others of the saving grace of our Heavenly Father through His Son Jesus Christ. And if ONE comes to salvation by the taking of our precious son, in the big picture, it will all be worth the cost. I am a Believer, a Christian, and I trust in our living God who is a promise keeper. And I know I will embrace my little guy again. I will be with him for forever. That thought alone puts bricks in my legs to stand. Today will be one of the sweetest, yet assuredly the most difficult day to endure—of my entire life. Pastor Tom will speak to many of the “good news” we are created to embrace; and we will celebrate in words, the sweet gift of life God gave to us for a small and treasured time. My broken flesh will cry and grieve and barely find courage to stand. But that’s okay, that is part of what God is doing. I imagine He is whispering to me… “Lean into Me my daughter. I am here holding you, and breathing my grace into you this very moment.” I believe and trust a good God! Even though I am so weary and heavy-hearted to even face today.
12-26-14
The Lord shined down His glory and His riches, in ways unimaginable to a grieving Mother and Father! The service was beyond what my dreams could wish for. The day started out drizzly, and by the end of the service, sunlight was shining thru the chapel windows. Thank you all who came, and for those who supported us with prayers from afar. What a glorious afternoon to lay to rest our baby boy. His life was, and will be a witness to the masses. Praise our God whom all blessings flow!!!
12-26-14
Gosh y’all, I’m just going thru all the comments many of you have left me over the last few days, and numerous times from some of you. I am so touched. I feel so much love. My mind has pretty much been in a complete cloudy haze since Briar passed away a few days ago. I knew once I did everything to prepare for his service, get through Christmas, and get through today, that I would be faced with time….. When the dust starts to settle and things quiet down, and I’m facing the harsh reality of adapting to life without Briar. In the last few days, I’ve shared the beginning of this new desolate journey life has taken us on—on a road I never imagined we would travel. Yet today was such a beautiful day! We had our friends, our loved ones, our church family, the ever strong presence of The Lord surrounding us, even the perfect weather and dazzling gravesite sunshine, as if God was shining down on us so we’d know it. His presence was enflamed in our hearts. He wasn’t distant—He sustains us in miraculous ways! I feel I’m rambling, but I wanted to end this day sharing with you, how, in our greatest times of desperate need, He is faithful to be there in the midst of it all. Have faith in Him!
Here is a copy of the memorial service program for those of you unable to attend. I wish I could go back and respond to each and every comment left for me and my family. Please know I saw them all. And I love every one of you who reached out to me. May The Lord Jesus bless and keep you all safe tonight. PS—We watched “God’s Not Dead” a little while ago and it put me in a really great mood! Goodnight friends.
12-27-14
Y’all be kind to strangers today. The day before yesterday I went out alone, to look for something to wear for Briar’s funeral. It took everything in me to be out and about in public without having a breakdown. My mind was distracted, and I sat in my car in a crowded parking lot with my reverse lights on about to back up when I received a sweet message. I paused to read it and didn’t see a car behind me waiting for my spot til I heard a honk, looked back, and a man behind me sped off throwing his hands out at me. I wanted to yell, “My baby boy just died! Give me some grace!!!” Just remember, we can’t know what’s in the hearts of others. When they are driving too slow or too fast even, pause and think, they may be hurting and broken hearted. Smile at them. Be patient with them. Say hello. I’ve run into a couple of kind strangers today. It helps the pain, even if just a little. That is our calling… Kindness.
12-27-14
Our wise Pastor’s advice to us…. “Go have another kid. When David lost a child he had Solomon.”
You should have seen Jeff’s face!
12-28-14
Good Sunday morning! Hope y’all make the time to get your family’s worship in today. Life is short, and our purpose here below the Heavens, is to know our Creator on a one on one basis… Why He sent His Son Jesus in the flesh—to be born of us, to live with us, to walk and talk with us, to die with us, and to remove our stain of sin—on the cross, and conquer death for us by His raising up back to life! He is a good God, a loving God we serve. I was told Pastor Anderson will be speaking from the book of John today, on tragedy. In The Fellowship Hall, 11am. We’ll be there!
***
We are sooo blessed with our church! I’m between services… Tommy told my Mom this morning, that our family is the inspiration for this Sunday’s sermon. It was meat for our soul! And the sweet words about our Briar in his opening statement… I hope some of you will hear it sometime!
12-29-14
I hope you all got a glimpse of the sunrise this morning! It was beautiful. It’s truly a marvelous wonder how the dear Lord will renew one’s perspective on life—and the little things around us we often take for granted, through earthly tragedies we are called to endure. I see Him more. I see my son in so many things that have been given renewed beauty.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23)
12-29-14
There’s something about golden rays of sunlight, beaming down from Heaven on a loved ones gravesite. This was yesterday…
12-29-14
I am not strong. I have received the most encouraging, and uplifting messages in one small span of time of my entire life! I treasure in my heart every one of your words. But I am weak… as weak and as broken as they come. The tidal waves rolled in tonight, like my chest was welling up with tears, to such a sensation as drowning and gasping for my next breath. It is everything in my soul to try and claw it’s way out of this decaying and withered flesh, just to be inches closer to Heaven, and to Jesus, and my baby boy. No, I am not strong at all. But my FAITH is strong. I live with the hope I have in my Lord Jesus, that HE is giving me strength. And promises to carry this burden for me. Jesus wept when Lazarus died, knowing He Himself would raise Him from the dead. His Father in Heaven cried when He looked down at His Son dying on a cross, knowing He would rise again in 3 days. Fully God, fully man. Crying, while knowing the big picture holds promises. I serve a God who feels our pain and weeps with us. He makes His presence known to those who love Him. He is our strength. He walks through the valley of shadows with us. And He carries me now. He breathes for me. He weeps with me and for me. He holds my baby boy. He loves me. He draws me near. And He never lets go.
12-31-14
Another year has come and gone already! As 2014 comes to a close today, I will be praying for all of us… that 2015 be a year of sweet blessings, greater faith, Godly strength, unwavering trust, Salvation to many, and spiritual growth… to those of us who haven’t been as diligent to stay in His Word, pray fervently, and give Him daily praise for the very breath He gives us, that we more often than not take for granted. 2015 is an open book of blank pages… “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added into you.”(Matthew 6:33)
Happy New Year!
12-31-14
Loss and tragedy, they are something we will all experience in our lifetime. My Pastor gave this sermon last Sunday, out of inspiration from Briar’s passing. It’s entitled “Take My Heart.” The title alone just steals mine! Knowing Briar is a part of it. Whether you’ve experienced tragedy already, or that someday you will, this passage from 1 Kings in the Bible is something we should all hear, and stow away in our hearts and minds til the Lord brings it forth during the proper season. Jeff and I have been deeply blessed by these words, in a time we needed them most.
***
My last post reminds me… If anyone would like a disk of Briar’s memorial service including the songs, let me know. I am going to make copies of the audio. Tommy spoke on God’s sovereignty. It was a perfect, beautiful message! If you were there or if you missed it, it matters not. Message me your address and I’ll send you a copy. I’d be so happy to!
1-2-15
Sharing sobering words today.
I miss him so much. The pain is deep, it is sharp, it’s immensely raw. It is not a respecter of time or place, but a savage, crashing down like a tidal wave when life directs you into the still and quiet waters.
Details of my grief are manifested in the mundane…
Having to go ahead and change my sheets, in which there lingers my little boys scent; in which he took his final earthly breath before Jesus welcomed him Home; in which beholds a still small part of his very life—his sweet and tiny presence. I’m having to let it go.
Praying my milk dries up quickly, for the pain is physically and emotionally wrenching. Yet now that it is fully subsiding, savoring the last moments I feel these let-downs, reminded of his time of nourishment, reliance upon me, and our moments of Mom and baby bonding. Dying to hang on, but having to let go. Passing through the baby department and holding my breath. Seeing a tiny outfit perfect for him, only he isn’t here to wear it. Seeing diapers in his forever last size. I move on quickly. Eyes catching his pictures in passing, pierced in my core, forced into accepting I am no longer able to embrace his warm bundle of softness, nor see his eyes looking at mine—or his smile for Mom that held back not an ounce of recognition and love for me. Unable to pick him up and wipe away his tears after he was crying with all the strength he could muster, which stopped the moment I embraced him. Knowing his heart beat with love for me… never letting that go. Hurting so badly inside, actually peering into a trash can hoping to see if one last soiled diaper just happened to be on top, so I could sneak a breath of the life that came from him—feeling so desperate to not let him go, clinging to anything, ANYTHING left of the life of our boy.
This is the face of grief. This is real, this is life. Holding on and letting go. Never letting go, having to let go.
However…
The Lord will not give to us, nor allow us to go through anything He knows we cannot handle. He appointed Jeff and I to go through THIS, because He knows we can. Through Him. He knows His name will be glorifed. He knows this will give us endurance—to have its perfect result—that we are made perfect, complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1).
We are being refined. (Isaiah 48).
Others are being changed.
I dare not question WHY. Because I know the answer to why. The Lord is good, The Lord is faithful, The Lord keeps His promises. He is going to use this to accomplish His work in mighty ways, His word will not come back void. (Isaiah 55).
Only by the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ, do we find our strength to stand and face a new days dawning. Only by His steadfast love, do we carry on.
This is how a Christian grieves. Through the pain, we look into the face of Christ!
“My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. On God my salvation and my glory rest; The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” (Psalm 62:5-8).
1-3-14
I recently learned denial is a stage of grieving. And therapy for me, is a good thrift store! Anytime! How about both…Today I found myself in denial while seeking thrift store therapy, as I bought about five adorable baby boy outfits. In Briar’s size. (Sigh)
The truth is, I am already longing for another. A sweet friend told me that having a baby after the loss of an infant is called a “rainbow baby” because of the beauty that comes from new life after the storm. We are praying about it. I’m not thinking straight—our lives are in a whirlwind! But still, I told Jeff he better listen to his Pastor! (See comment in a previous post).
1-4-14
I cannot even begin to imagine grieving and accepting my son’s passing without faith in Jesus. The Bible says the ONLY way to God the Father in Heaven, is through Jesus Christ His Son. (John 14:6). If you don’t know Jesus, get to know Him. Then teach your children about Him. Our only hope of spending eternity with our loved ones is through Him! Our days have already been numbered and we do not know what tomorrow holds.
“And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” (Deut. 6:6-7).
I received the below in my Grief Share daily devotional:
“If you are someone who does not know Jesus Christ as your Savior and you have just been widowed or bereaved, you have a tremendous burden,” says Elisabeth Elliot. “You are tired, and it is too big a burden to carry. The Lord says, ‘Come to me, you who are tired and overburdened, and I will give you rest.’”
To receive peace and rest in Christ, the instructions are clear. Jesus says, “Come to me.” You must first approach Him and then talk to Him and quietly listen.
This is how we can know we will be with our loved ones again. Come to Jesus! ❤
1-5-14
I’ve received some books after our loss… And like Pastor Tom preached about at Briar’s service, the Christian finds their rest in God’s sovereignty. Finding comfort in these words this morning. Thankful for the few books we received!
1-5-15
If you want to share my grief, I will show it to you today…
The tragedy of sudden loss will change your perspective on everything you live and breathe for, immediately and abruptly. One minute you’re fine. In the next, arrested as it be, in the consumption of a new adaptation… One you are not prepared for.
It was two weeks ago yesterday that the world as I knew it lost its luster. It came crashing down upon our heads, turning our lives completely upside down. Today, I feel the waters rising and it’s diffcult to find air. I’ve never had pain like this! Maybe only few of us do. I do not want to ask Him why… But why? I know why. I need not ask. My soul falls down when I look upon these few pictures I have which colorize his life before my eyes. These pictures are not tangible enough! My hands are empty sufferers.
Remind me to look up! He is there. Jesus, Briar, perfection… It all awaits. Remind me I will see him again! Remind me that this grieving is only for a little while. My flesh wants to quickly forget how good He is. My flesh wants me to doubt what is real and what is true. But there lives in my being One who fights for me. I couldn’t do this without Him! When I get to Heaven, I expect He will say, “See that line over there? Those are the lives touched by the gift I gave you. These are souls that would not be here had Briar’s life and passing not reached into their hearts. Do you see? I used this baby boy in mighty ways! And here he is… Embrace your son.”
Knowing this, the flavor of salt becomes bearable.
1-6-14
I will cherish the sweet and tender moments of sleeping with my baby boy. Or watching him sleep, while pressed up next to me—I cuddled and savored his scent. He had just approached the age of locking his eyes into mine and opening his mouth as wide as he could in an obvious expression of his love for me. Edwin McCain’s song, “I Could Not Ask For More” just caught me off guard. I am realizing the old and familiar may cross my path and bring me to tears, as this is my new normal. I have always loved this song! But even moreso since it makes me think of my sweet baby Briar.
1-9-15
I just finished reading this beautiful book called, Safe In The Arms Of God, by John Macarthur. What encouragement! If you (or someone you know) has experienced the loss of a young child to miscarriage, abortion, stillborn birth, infant death, or for another reason… this book will bring Biblical truth that will absolutely comfort your soul. I highly recommend it!
From gty(dot)org:
Hopeful Words for Broken-Hearted Parents
“If you have ever faced the death of a child, or you have ever had to comfort a mom or dad whose little one died, you need to be able to answer some crucial questions:
Where do babies go when they die? How can I know my baby is in heaven? Why did my child have to die?
In his book Safe in the Arms of God, John MacArthur offers biblical comfort to parents grieving the death of an infant, small child, or mentally disabled adult child incapable of exercising faith in the Lord Jesus. The book also features real-life encouragement from Christian couples who have lost children and have found true peace—even joy—through faith in Christ.”
1-10-15
Got the mail today… More sympathy cards. I open them all but have not read a one. I can’t… just yet. I will, someday. All of Briar’s gravesite flowers have died in my front yard. I haven’t pressed a one. They are just sitting there. I pass by and pause at his picture board that was displayed at his memorial, and inspect each picture every day. I miss him so much! Life can be just cruel. But God. BUT GOD.
1-11-15
It’s been three weeks today since Briar went Home to be with the Lord, and the ups and downs of this road we travel has taught me a few things so far… allow me to be preachy! 🙂 Number one, He is faithful. If I ever imagined what it must be like to lose a child, I pictured myself in a coiled up sloppy wet heap, in a corner somewhere, slobbering and wallowing in my own pool of tears. But that never happened. Oh I cried! And I cry, but not like that. Because two, He also provides. He provides comfort, He provides supernatural strength to endure such a tragedy, and He provides people. People who meet your physical needs with food and words, with books and relatable stories. I learned that a church family becomes your rock! And quickly! God’s people—friends and strangers alike—they will come around you and offer their love, encouragement and support. And they come in droves, amazing, wonderful droves! (Seriously–Find yourself a good, sound church! 😉 ). I am learning to trust God in ALL things. His sovereignty is His trademark feature right now in my eyes. His sovereignty is my crutch, holding me up. I’m learning the things of this world aren’t as important as I once believed they were, and it is only the eternal things that matter. Getting the Good News (or “gospel”) out is way more important than sharing a current event. Since Briar, I think of Heaven a lot more often, and with a much greater urgency. I long for Heaven more than I desire this temporal worldliness and all the perks it provides. I learned the truth, that He gives and takes away. I love my children with all my heart, but I also know that we have no guarantee we will remain intact in our family portrait, even after Briar’s passing. I learned that we have no control of anything. The Lord is in control of everything. I’m learning to accept just the mere thought—that God can call another one of my children Home next week, if it be in His will. I pray daily for His preservation of all my children’s lives, but no matter what, I know in my heart He can be trusted. Bottom line in all of this, is God has proven to be good, loving, faithful, provisional, and on and on and on. He is a beautiful God we serve. He provided His Son to leave the riches and glory of Heaven, to come here and do what we cannot do, so we can dwell with Him forever. The Bible tells me Briar is singing praises to Him now! Heaven touched down into my life in only a way my child’s passing could bring. I am loved by the Creator of the universe, and that same Creator is in eye to eye fellowship with my son. I am learning it is not impossible to get up, find your joy again, and carry on!
1-16-15
I am self-diagnosed A.D.D. Been that way pretty much my whole life. Coupled with a stupid O.C.D test I took on facebook, which I passed with flying colors! (Or would that be I flunked?) Either way, I was super relieved to have discovered a name for my condition. (The test itself gave me the heebie-jeebies.) On top of those two things, I am experiencing the complete brain haze brought on by grief, in which you naturally are very forgetful for a time. Lord help my children! Lest I leave them somewhere. I was glad to read that about grieving. Its normal to forget things. I thought I was losing my mind! It’s a wonder I didn’t leave my car at the store and walk home, getting lost along the way!
1-18-15
Four weeks ago today…
I think about what would have taken place in him and how much bigger he would be. He’d be a 4 month old little chunk! He’d be close to sitting up and already in a size bigger clothes. “If Briar were here…” are the four words constantly invading my heart. Our home would not have this intrusion of deafening void if he were still here.
It hurts like hell! My love for him and how much I miss him. His scent, his over-the-top adorable little face. His smile! Which still penetrates and pierces my core being. He would have changed a lot in a month’s passing, and my mind doesn’t know how to envision those changes, though it scrambles to. It steals my breath away every time I think about when we lost him… holding him, seeing him, breathing into him. I just sink. My memories can’t stop there, they must go backwards. We continue on in this new reality—that the remainder of our days here on earth will never reward us with a sweet new Briar discovery or any more memories of watching him grow up.
We took those moments for granted.
I cry to God like I would to a friend. I tell Him every day, “Please let Briar know how much I love him and miss him.” And I imagine He does. Where I find my comfort… is I allow myself the anticipation and joy of becoming Heavenly-minded, forwarding to that place not bound by time. I know in a little while I will hear the most exuberant, child-like voice exclaiming “MOM!!”
I melt into peace.
Our breaths didn’t save him. But Jesus’ last breath did. If we didn’t have Heaven, God’s Son, and all the promises in the Bible, we would have no hope. But we do have them.
The beauty of forever is just beyond this vapor.
1-25-15
I miss my little baby boy. It was five weeks ago today. This one is for him…
Through all the surrealness and chaos in my being that morning, I remember at one point just thinking, “Be free. You’re Home now.” Although I am often drawn closer to the place in the ground that holds your tiny box, where your precious body is now a beautiful seed planted back into the earth—only because it makes me feel nearer to you while I am still down here. But your soul… you are glorifed with renewed skin and you are bigger than when I held you last. What a wonder it is to know that you, my son, have been made into the likeness of our Creator, like Jesus Himself. What a joy I share with you, that your sweet little eyes behold Him.
While I am left down here, how I weep over you! Do you know what you are to me and how much I love you? You are a large portion of my heart… my broken, and aching heart. I imagine if He tells you we are saddened by your passing, you would wish to tell me, “Mom, do not cry for me! It is sooo beautiful here! We will all be together real soon.” And I know that… but this pain is something we must experience. You do not even know what pain is. You don’t understand what we are feeling, and we cannot begin to understand what you are experiencing!
You are living out forever… with God!
Does He tell you He is teaching me so many things? To live better, to be better—a better wife and a better Mom. To love much deeper, to cherish the time we are given, and to make the most of it all. He is teaching me the importance of telling others about Jesus.
You still take my breath away! Maybe you know these things, maybe He tells you. Or, maybe I will have to tell you when I am with you in Heaven someday. But then, it won’t even matter… When I am in Heaven, nothing of this pain that is happening down here, will even matter.
2-1-15
Six weeks already… and I want to leave a note that is more uplifting and encouraging than sharing all my sorrow.
Since our little boy’s passing, I can tell you that over time, it does get easier dealing with our loss. And as time continues on, I will be able to say that in even greater strength than I am able to say it after only six weeks.
I can honestly say I am so thankful to The Lord for calling him Home on a Sunday. His time was up, but he didn’t go on a Monday, he went on a Sunday. I am thankful, because as we begin our day with all the heavy thoughts that burden our hearts, we are also preparing our hearts to enter into the sanctuary for worship, for fellowship with our spiritual family, and for a meaty dose of soul food. Just what we need to brighten up our day! I am also thankful Briar went Home near Christmas, as Christmas is such a celebratory season for the birth of our Savior. Now we can add our bittersweet anniversary of Briar’s entering into Heaven with Jesus, as part of the Christmas celebration each year. It will be a doubly treasured time!
All I have for today is a reminder to Jeff and to myself, that The Lord has blessed us with five beautiful children… and we have four who are still living, who need all the love, affection, discipline, and attention we have to give, and for us to carry them deeply in the remainder of our hearts that are still intact. Life continues after loss. We must carry on in remembrance and honor of our precious Briar, and in reverence, gentle fear and sweet discipline of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
We are still in anguish over his passing, and will continue to hurt for the rest of our lives. I believe it is how we choose to live with the pain—either angrily or submissively, and whether or not we allow God to work in all of this. He is teaching us lessons that will make us into who He wants us to become. He is showing Himself to us, much more now than He did before He entrusted us with our baby Briar Luke for three months. So all we can do is—like the song says, praise Him in this storm!
1-30-15
FB:
Such an emotional day… When Jade was brought back up to her ICU room after surgery—her second BRAIN surgery in three days—her Dad and I were called in first, and we listened to the surgeon tell us the wonderful news we’ve been holding our breath for for a few weeks now, but really for the last two days! The wave of relief that poured over us was overwhelming. We were holding her hands and the three of us just cried. She kept asking us the same thing, almost in complete disbelief, “Everything went good?” “Yes, honey, it’s over now. It’s all gone!You can go on with your recovery and your life—you don’t have to worry anymore, it’s all been fixed!” And I remember looking up at her monitor and seeing the heart beat line moving across up and down normally, just as it should be, and feeling such sweet relief. Then I thought about when tiny Briar was on the table surrounded by a team of doctors desperately, frantically trying to bring his life back by their own hands, and looking at the monitor where his heart beat line was moving across straight, as it should not have been. Today, I just thanked the Lord that I wasn’t seeing another flatline of one of my children! Today, I was able to see my child receive a second chance at life. The Lord listened to the outpour of prayers from our faithful friends, families and strangers, and I am amazed at His goodness and how well my daughter is doing. I am amazed at being a witness to a true miracle, and to the answering of all of our prayers! I just can’t thank you all enough for the love, support, prayers and encouragement you’ve shown to our family during these difficult times we are in. Every word, meal, gesture, thought, visit, card and prayer have been deeply felt and treasured in all of our hearts. Can we just stop to say THANK YOU!!!
2-8-15
Seven weeks ago, The Lord directed our lives onto a new path–a path of anquish and testing, a path immersed in trust and rejoicing.
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4)
Though we have been thrust into a season of trials, we are thankful to God, the Father of Lights, because we know through our experiences He is shaping and molding us more each day into His very image, until the day of completion. What an awesome God we serve, who loves us so much He delivered us right into the midst of His Word and His promises.
The tidal wave still rolls in, yet I am finding it is easier to get up. The waves may knock me down, as the hurt is in the smile I’ve not seen, and in the imagination of what the months would have him look like… yet above the waves is the Son.
As we are adapting in this life without Briar, we are treasuring the time we are given—and the gifts of life that fill our home and our hearts. His timing is perfect, His ways are compassionate. The Lord took one, and restored another.
This is our life, our calling. We hurt, we love and we stand on our knees in submission. We journey on, and we remember. We await the day of blissful reunion! Day by day is just another new step up these invisible rungs, making our way towards Heaven… where I will see him again. I WILL see my sweet little boy again!
2-15-15
Everything we experience has a divine purpose. God directs our lives into still and quiet waters and He also directs us straight into the stormy seas… both of which are to teach us of His goodness. We often cannot understand what is happening when we are thrashing about in the storm’s darkness, but we need only to trust Him.
There are so many questions that we as mortal physical beings want to ask, demand be answered, and be angered by the answer or angered by the lack of an answer.
How do you get over a child? How do you avoid having your breath stolen and sunk into your stomach upon seeing a photograph? How do you swallow this pain? How do you tell yourself it’s just a part of life—that this horrible loss is what other people have dealt with since the beginning of time and I am—we are no different? How do you accept your world turned upside down with no warning? How do you answer the question why me, why us? Why was he taken?
The answer is in a plan of perfection. Simply that, it MUST be so… to advance the Kingdom of God.
Holding the death of one of your most valuable possessions, changes how you view the world, Heaven, God, Jesus, the Bible, the eternal realm and so on. When all is perfectly well in our little worlds, when we are smooth sailing in the quiet sunny seas, it becomes easy to neglect the importance of understanding eternity, why we are here, and what our purpose—our calling is.
Our calling is to know and share Jesus Christ.
How do I know I will see Briar again? Because I take the Bible at its word, as the infallible word of God, inspired by Him and penned through his chosen men. Because I believe. Because God is good. Because on my behalf, He did everything required of me to inherit His Kingdom. And I accepted The Gift.
God used the passing of my son eight weeks ago to alter my priorities in this mere breath of life we have been given, by instilling a greater urgency in my heart to share my faith, and by equipping me with the boldness and courage to do so.
There is a greater storm coming… And we have merely a moment in forever to get on board the safe haven found only in Jesus Christ.
2-22-15
I still find it hard to believe he died. I think about the stark, cold reality I will not see him again this side of Heaven, and a stab so bitterly fierce penetrates within, I can only take a deep breath and remember Heaven is real. Nine weeks seems like a year already… and a tiny, three month life left such a searing wound behind, it is a scar in our hearts I am desperate to hold on to. For from that wound are memories so few, so valuable.
Many things go through our minds. For me, I have often quoted the verse, “I believe. Lord, help me in my unbelief.” It isn’t that I don’t believe, but I’ve never experienced pain from loss like this, I have actually questioned sometimes–what if none of the promises are real. My mind sometimes cycles the Rich Mullins song lyric that says, “I will never doubt His promise, though I doubt my heart, I doubt my eyes.” Even Christians find themselves questioning and doubting during particular hard circumstances they face. I think what happens is, when the trials and pain in this life overwhelm us, our flesh—our human nature wages a battle with the indwelling Holy Spirit, wrestling back and forth within our souls, causing us to contemplate what is truly the purpose of our existance. The Holy Spirit will win all our battles, we are assured. We need only to find our resting place in our faith and continue on.
When you love someone so much and they die, you want to know without a shadow of a doubt you will see them again. That is why it is so vitally and crucially important to know The Creator of the universe, and learn about Him, His plan of redemption through His Son, and that eternity is real for all of us in one of two places. There is only one truth. There is only one way. And the Bible gives us all the answers we need! Get to know the God of the Bible—Jesus Christ who came to take away the sins of the world. You must believe, you must be born again. Jesus says the only way to Heaven and God the Father is through Him.
I am just so overwhelmingly thankful The Lord chose me, revealed Himself to me, and saved me. Knowing I would be subjected to this pain so raw, so devastating, that only He can heal. I don’t see, feel or live in the here and now alone… My hope anticipates where my baby rejoices in forever.
2-29-15
I witness others who have lost loved ones, and I am amazed at the strength I see in them. They are Christians. I see them smiling, talking about and sharing their loss with others, functioning in life almost as if nothing happened… all the while continuously praising God, giving Him glory, and never losing their joy. Some have experienced a much greater level of loss and grief than what we have experienced, in that they built up years of memories and history with those who they have lost. Almost to where I feel guilty for sharing the grief I feel over our three month old, in the short time we had him. How do THEY do it. Yet I also realize it is not about time that measures pain. We are all different, our stories are different, and although the degrees of our losses are different… our hurt is the same. My heart aches so much for my friends whose loved ones have passed. I sympathize with them and I pray for them. We bond as Believers and share in the promised hope of a sweet reunion some day. We cry out to each other, we lean on each other, and as Christians, we manage to find peace in the midst of our trials. Peace that comes from Him alone—from the One who suffered the most. In grieving, as Christians, that is something we can find strength in, putting our faith in the forefront. Though we are still hurting, still missing him daily, we have the marvelous gift of assurance through our salvation. So great a salvation! Writing this—being able to, knowing one day we will all be together, and remembering our little boy, taken Home ten weeks ago today.
3-8-15
The wave rolled over me in church this morning, walking in to see the many parents and their new babies lined up in front to have Pastor Tom pray over them and dedicate their little ones lives to the Lord. We should have been up there too, which struck me rather hard. But God proved faithful by following the baby dedication with a sermon that brought me out from under the waves, using two specific truths that will continue to carry me through. One, we are to be used in our weaknesses for great things. God can use our loss and our pain in ways that will ultimately serve Him and serve others here on earth. And two, Heaven is such a wonderful, glorious place, the biblical author could not even put it into words to describe what he saw when God showed him a glimpse of it. We are taught in the Bible that Heaven is real—it truly exists. And it’s indescribable.
Heaven is where my son is.
Life is a whirlwind. Quite unexpected in many aspects. Every one of us will experience the joys in life, and the pain life brings. It is only a matter of WHEN each of lifes various seasons comes upon us. As we are going thru a season of deep, penetrating hurt, we can take hold of the lessons at hand and allow God to use them. Instead of questioning God, I tell Him to show me what He is wanting me to know and learn. I tell Him I want to do His work while we are here on His earth, no matter what the cost—or what that requires of me. My prayer is that we listen to The Lord’s calling and prompting of our hearts to move, to do His work, and to see just how valuable life is. I want to use my son’s passing as a catapult into The Lord’s harvest, and to live a life different from what we were living—more for Him and less for ourselves. How can I go on not answering His calling. My heart can’t take the thought of my little boy’s passing being in vain. No, there is a big purpose for his little life.
Briar has been in the presense of Jesus for 11 weeks now. Not a minute goes by I am not thinking of my sweet little boy. I am working on making scrapbook pages of our little fella whose image is frozen in time as the most adorable three month old baby a Mommy and Daddy could ask for. I find gathering his pictures and assembling them together on pages and in frames, therapeutic. I am hanging his precious face around our home, as he is such a huge part of it in memories. Sweet baby!
Someday I will go be with Jesus and Briar (and all my believing loved ones) for eternity. For now, that is all I need to know and find rest in. We serve a good God who knows what is best for us, even when we don’t see how certain circumstances can possibly be a “good” thing. God sees the big, eternal picture, while we are given merely a glimpse of this fading world through infinite eyes. And I trust Him. The rest… it is just waiting to go Home, and living out His calling in the meantime. Soon enough we will all be together again. But right now, there is still work to be done.
3-15-15
There are a few reasons I write and share on the anniversary Sunday, what I am thinking and feeling about the passing of our baby Briar Luke. It’s like keeping a grief journal. Part of me does it for him, as if maybe Jesus tells him these words that he may know entirely how much his Mom loves him and misses him. Another reason is that I may follow the course of my own grief, and someday look back on just how far the Lord has carried me when I didn’t believe I had the strength to merely crawl. And lastly, I pray my words will help another. I pray there does not have to be another, yet assuredly as there will be, I want to be a vessel bringing some comfort when comfort is all that is needed. No one signs up for this heartache or loss. We just learn how to deal as we go… and with God as our strength we can get through anything if we lean completely into Him.
I still have the songs that are richer to my ears than gold is too my hands. I can close my eyes and see him as the tunes play. I have my pictures that preserve him as he was, as he exists now only in my memory. But most of all, I have the guaranteed hope of seeing him again. Not a mere hope of maybe I will, but true hope of the promises that I will. My grief is temporal. I am mostly saddened because I can not show him how much I love him. He went on Home ahead of me, barely knowing me, nor I him. I didn’t get to know him enough. I am saddened by the thoughts of where would he be right now, what his tiny hands would be holding, what would he look like, what new expressions would his little face have for me. Would he be sitting up yet? My little chunk! Thoughts like those. They get me hard sometimes. I so miss my little guy… and his smell! My goodness. His smell, his warmth, my kisses on his cheeks and in his soft little neck… I just have to take a deep breath.
It is then I can rejoice because he is rejoicing. I have learned thru our earthly loss what the Bible says about Heaven–that those in Heaven sing to Jesus with hearts for worshiping The Lamb / The King! That means Briar is singing to Jesus. That means he is not a baby anymore. (See Revelation 7:9-12, and 5:13. Beyond that, no one can say what his eternal age is.) I find myself in awe knowing my little boy sees Him, sings to Him, plays with Him, has supper with Him at His table, and is in the most perfect, beautiful realm revealed to man by His Word! Knowing these things makes me be okay. If Briar is more than okay, I am more than okay.
We can endure anything this side of Heaven is we trust only in The One who delights in restoring our broken hearts. He gives grace and mercy to those who love Him, and He alone carries us through life’s hardships. Someday we will all find ourselves in the darkest of valleys. Someday we will all reach out our hands for that Someone supernatural to lift us out of rising flood waters.
I know my posts are repetitive. I know I dwell on Heaven when I share what I am going through after losing my son. But Heaven is what it’s all about. Because it is eternal, as our souls are eternal. The Bible tells us how we get there, and it is ONLY through Jesus. I pray you know Him personally. Jesus Christ, the promised Messiah. Get to know Him. And I praise Him always, for those of us who do.
3-22-15
If there is anything to take from my experience in grieving over the loss of my son, it’s this…
I am soooo forever thankful to my God and Savior Jesus Christ for what He has given me in this life. I have seen His mercy come before me, felt His grace poured out all over me, and had His strength so graciously imputed to me at the time I needed it most. He is a God who delights in healing the broken hearted.
His timing is perfect. He knew I would lean on Him like never before. He has drawn me closer to Him in this ordeal of heavy challenge, and that is exactly what my life was needing—closeness to God. People have said to me, “You have been through so much!” And I know they are thinking how horrible it all must be, to endure such a tragedy, toppled with fear for my oldest undergoing brain surgery. But that is just it… it wasn’t another heap of coals thrown onto a burning fire I was praying to be extinguished, it was a distraction, a beautiful interruption to my anguish that the Lord used to get me through my grief. I needed a distraction so intense. I lost a little son. And I lost Him during a time when I had another sheep gone astray. Yet through it all, our wayward came home–Home to the family, and Home to The Lord. She’s on fire for Jesus Christ! My heart has been given an overdose of healing comfort and peace. As I’ve said before, God took one and restored to me another. So I am rejoicing—rejoicing for her, and rejoicing that he is with Him.
How is my grieving? There has been so much healing already, and it’s only been three months. It will get easier from here, as time heals. The Lord heals.
I may no longer publically share my thoughts of grieving, unless I feel led to share something specific. But I will continue to chronicle my journey through this time of grief, to look back on later on in life or maybe to share with others who ask me how I got through my pain of losing a baby. It’s truly been good facing my heart with honesty, and finding comfort and encouragement from others, in doing so. God has strengthened me in mighty ways, and that is what is important… And knowing He is with me, knowing I can handle what He gives me… just knowing I will be okay. He will always be with me—living inside me, walking each and every step with me, and carrying me where my legs may fail. No matter what ever comes my way, my joy is in The Lord, not in my circumstances. His love is deep and everlasting!
4-24-15
I haven’t shared my heart lately, and what it has been like after only four months of grieving the loss of a child. Specifically, a little baby. It’s been pretty hard recently. Maybe it’s the season of rain perpetuating things a bit, who knows. The emotional waves come in good days and bad. For some reason, this past week seems to have been peaking as some the hardest days since the initial happening. No telling why. Maybe my mind is growing stronger to process more, maybe weaker, so it’s hurting more. I just can’t say. I’ve just really been hurting lately over how much I miss him! And at the same time I am wanting another. It’s a tug of war between grasping death and desiring new life. An analogy would be… feeling like I’m being tossed in a sea of pain and longing, tethered to an immovable foundation, but still being thrashed all about nonetheless. My heart is yearning and turning over the prospect of having a baby again—something I am praying about daily, asking The Lord to gift us with another child. Or, to simply close this door in my heart for good. My heart doesn’t know what it wants as much as God knows what is best for us, and in line with His will for our family. But I am impatient, wanting to move hurriedly along to the next chapter while knowing I need only to find rest in His sovereignty and certainly in His timing. I recently asked Him to show me my baby in my dreams… and over the last five or so nights, I have dreamed vividly of him, numerous times. I am holding him, as if he’s alive and well. I can smell him, something I painfully miss, and he is looking back at me with all the love his three month old little being has to offer. Then I wake up hopeful and confused, and end up sad it was only a dream. Not sure how to interpret my answered prayers to that request, or just leave them at that—answered prayers. Maybe see them as a little gift. I wake up missing him more than when I went to sleep. I don’t have enough pictures of him and it’s frustrating. Half of the ones I do have are blurry or not good quality, and this saddens me. I never want my memories to fade though they will. My heart is so broken and my mind still scrambles to remember as much of him as I can. I wish I had more pictures! Along the way in my grief, I was wallowing in a sloppy, wine-mess heap, for lack of a better phrase. (Who the hell wouldn’t! Or at least that’s how I justified it.) The stronghold it had on me became something my heart could no longer bear, and I asked (no, I begged) the Lord to take it from me, all of it, as I didn’t need another burden straining down on my already cracking plate. He answered my pleas in the form of a book I read, that was nothing short of a miracle. The mental stronghold I had been running to as a means to numb my pain and forget about these heavy burdens in my life, has been broken. The Lord’s sweet mercies set me free from that addiction. Only now that my false crutch has been removed, I am left facing my pain head on, coherent minded, and with the period of adrenaline-induced shock behind me as well. Here and now, I am standing face to face with this sober reality in a realm of grief I am not prepared for in and of myself. The backs of my eyes completely water logged. Truth is, I don’t want this, I don’t want to go on like this. I didn’t ask for it. Sometimes I feel I would rather just wrestle with His will while crying out, “I don’t wanna take this journey of pain you’re showing me. I want my baby back!” But I do know He continues holding me—a messy, rebellious, and broken child who would rather argue with the One who lovingly holds my little world in His hands, than surrender. Clearly He is teaching me a few things in the process of deep, searingloss and pain. Tears will always continue to trickle out like a leaking dam… while my eyelids are fighting, holding back the rising flood waters flowing out from this dark river in my heart. Life is about keeping it together by just letting go and allowing Him to provide the shelter when the mountains come crumbling down all around us. All I know is Heaven awaits… and as far as I am concerned, I often think it can’t come quickly enough!
4-25-15
Life is so valuable. If it weren’t, four months would be plenty of time to swallow the pain from the loss of a baby whose life span was only a brief three months in this world. We get over a dog old in years who’s passed, faster than we get over the passing of an infant in the womb or in a mere few weeks of life outside the womb. God plants this deep rooted for our precious babies in our hearts, while they are yet a tiny speck and as early as a little plus sign. This is how we are designed. Value life. Choose life. The Lord grants us these little gifts to treasure and behold!
May 25, 2015
I am most thankful to our service men and women—past, present and future—from the depths of my heart, for their brave service and for many—making the ultimate sacrifce defending our great nation and our freedoms. I will remember them with gratitude, always.
This Memorial Day is different. We visited our little boy’s grave in continuing the family’s tradition of putting flowers on graves of the many family members who have passed on before. And this year, a flower arrangement was made for our baby.
I never dreamed I would experience in this life, the immense heartbreak and pain of losing a precious baby, one of my very own, beloved children. Lowering a little one’s body into the ground is something that only happens to other people, it doesn’t happen to me. But it did. And I grieve and I cry, and I feel like my breath gets lost in a deep pit in my core being somewhere… and altho I am called to go thru this in my life, I shall only cling to Him and continue on in His strength and promises of genuine HOPE. Not hope of maybe I will see him again, but the hope that lies in the promise that I WILL see him again. Because of what Jesus did for me, to reconcile me back to Him, and to where our Briar Luke Farris resides for all eternity.
Memorial day will now include visiting the little place on earth where my sweet boy’s dusty remains lie near to me. But I am thankful that my memory will once again become my sight… when The Lord calls me Home to dwell with them forever.
***
The painfully obvious take-away from reading through my first few initial weeks of grief, was that it was solely God, it was solely my faith, it was solely His mercy and His love that pulled me through this time of utter despair. We are now going on five years since Briar passed away. Life has navigated us into many ups and downs since his passing, and my desire is to share here, some of what we have been through in our marriage, and in our family. For now, I genuinely hope others of you will find some encouragement—or maybe a little inspiration—to seek hard after Him… from our own personal loss.
Love, ~Colleen
Colleen Farris 