Everyone who has been where I was, probably said the same thing…
THE WINE HAS GOT TO GO.
Well, for me, it did. Two years ago. And I can summarize in just a few thoughts, how it has been since the day I stopped drinking.
I’ve definitely experienced various encounters of mind and heart over these last two years, that I never imagined would be manageable without the ‘numbing magic’ of my former dependency. But of all the things, my biggest take away from ridding my life of alcohol, is the tremendous gift of LIVING IN THE PRESENT. I cannot stress or express well enough, the magnitude of gratitude and love I have for my continued existence in this newfound state of mind. It is rich! And it is hands-down my favorite part of a sober life.
When you’re trudging through the chaos—which is an integral part of alcohol immersion, it’s scary. And I didn’t think I was even that bad! A bottle to two a night? Pft…I’ve seen all the Mommy wine jokes, it was a normal thing! But what wasn’t normal to me, was the jokes weren’t funny. The shame wasn’t funny. Feeling helpless and outside of my own control, wasn’t funny. In the few years prior to my abstinence, my entire existence had become somewhat overwhelming—almost suffocating, with this weighted sense of being trapped. As if I were navigating my days and weeks from within a cold and distant, lonely and dark, glass bubble. Where nothing seemed clear, where nothing seemed settled or normal, or even secure. It was fragile, and daily I felt as if I were slipping at the brink of completely shattering. Trying to remember the details of time…
It was like living my life in the dark, while being led around blindly by the hands of a thief.
Yet they were MY hands leading. And I had to learn to open them, to let it all go. I had to learn to TRUST while falling blindly into the deep unknown, in order to land amongst the vibrancy of GRACE. Where in grace, I found the freedom to live boldly and renewed; absorbing all the here-and-now moments that are so precious and few; and discovering what it truly is BEING IN THE PRESENT. It was there in grace, I was able to muster strength, and courage, to find this new and better way!
Today, although I still manage to land myself in the midst of chaos, I am learning to embrace it. Because my chaos is so beautiful, and colorful, and full of life! I now can see its vibrance! It is no longer weighing, and it is no longer foggy, or black. It is no longer the chaos that was robbing me of TIME. Today I CAN love it, because I am learning to operate well inside of it. My “chaos” as I call those busy (stressful?) areas of my life, aren’t always easy things. For example, I am figuring out how to deal with grief on a deeper level. Even though it has almost been five years since our baby boy went on home into the arms of the Lord. Then there’s raising three fairly young children, which not only is rewarding, it is TRYING. There’s also mothering an adult child. And there’s being a wife. Just the many challenges of motherhood and wifehood, which were the main REASONS I drank in the first place! So many reasons why. You know—the typical hands in life we are all dealt.
In sobriety, however, I am much better equipped to handle these things, and to FEEL them. And that my friends, is the GIFT.
You may be asking, do I miss it? The honest answer? NAAH. I really do not miss it AT ALL. I look upon it as a bad, abusive relationship I was happy to break free from. Yes, I fell in love with my wine affair, but it turned on me, and had me feeling enslaved, and beaten down. It left me feeling shameful. So I can honestly say, no—I do not miss any part of it.
I’ve moved on!
And today, I am so incredibly thankful that I took hold of the chance renewed. Thankful to be living with deeper meaning and purpose, and for being able to experience all of these raw and emotional tidal waves, in their fullness. But even more-so, I am thankful to the GIVER of renewed chances.
GRACE. Get to know it well. It is saving!
These last two years have taught me how our lives are truly to be handled with delicacy and confidence. Not confidence in yourself, but confidence in the grace that awaits, if you are willing to take hold of it. And man! I have NO regrets—other than not accepting that grace in this area of my life much SOONER! 🙂
Grace, peace, and sobriety my friends!
~Colleen Farris
To read about how I stopped drinking…
https://colleenfarris.com/2019/02/25/how-i-quit-a-terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-habit/
Colleen Farris 